Today's visit to the oncologist was difficult. I knew the Navelbine wasn't working, as I had increased pain in my abdominal area, and nausea. My CT reveals the cancer has grown and spread, and we have a very small window here before I get very sick, to get the chemo right and beat this thing back.

Even my oncologist looked nonplussed. We decided on two chemos that come at the cells in a very different fashion - Gemzar, targeting the cancer cell's reproductivity, and Avastin, targeting blood flow to the cells. Avastin can affect my heart, but we're at the point of "we must do something".

The hardest thing to hear is I may only have months. If nothing works, and this cancer continues its aggressive course, my options will run out as I get sicker. It's growing too fast.

The funniest is thing is now, practical stuff is on my mind...making sure the mortgage gets paid in a timely manner, making sure everyone knows where everything is...everything signed and sealed and delivered. Updating my will. Picking up music for my funeral. And then little things - I need to finish Bekah's afghan and get her charm bracelet put together (they each get one when they are 16), and buy each of the girls their glass animals for the next few years and put someone in charge of making sure they get them each Christmas. Just for awhile, so they know I love them, even if I'm not right there with them! "Love is stronger than death".

Tears flow, sometimes at the oddest times. Josh Groban was on the sitcom "Glee" two nights ago. One of his songs, "You Raise Me Up", is one I'd like sung at my funeral. I had a couple of moments of flicking the tears out of my eyes at the reminder.

God, I pray that funeral is far away.