Forgive Us

After my ministry ended at Peace, one of my wonderful agnostic friends (I love agnostics - they keep Christians honest) admonished me to "not jump to forgiveness so fast." "You Christians are always jumping so quickly to forgiveness!" she grumbled. (Then we ate a wonderful dinner and the tenderness of my steak made me forget all about religion!)


She's understandably concerned that I don't bury my anger under a cloud of churchy nonsense. Or that I stay stuck in the "victim" slot. (Jesus already died for our sins, no need for a repeat performance on my part!) Moving quickly to forgiveness can be insincere, an avoidance of the real issue at hand. It lets people who do wrong, off the hook. Not acknowledging anger can be akin to taking the blame. And unacknowledged anger has a way of coming back and biting a oerson in the butt!


Can we hold two things in tension - righteous anger and the peace that passes all understanding? One thing that has always bothered me about forgiveness is this idea that somehow we have to forget and go on as if nothing happened. In a sense, we expect people to bury their emotions under the spiritual rubric of "forgiving". That doesn't seem healthy to me. It makes more sense when, in an ideal situation, we learn from mutual mistakes and grow, never forgetting but not wallowing, either. The "forgetting" part moves us to go on with life despite our injury.

Anger is only a problem when it's consuming, when it causes ongoing physical or emotional trauma. When we keep chewing on it and worrying it like a dog with a tasty bone - some folks even savor their anger, nurturing it along until the opportunity to strike back presents itself. They (we) strike out, and our victims may have no association with the crime.

But anger isn't "got rid of" so easily, and can't conveniently be buried under the Christian admonishment to "forgive and forget". It needs to be labeled, named, worked through. I'm still unpacking the world of hurt my congregation's leaders handed me - manipulation, dishonesty, insensitivity. Add to that the sense of pleasure some folks seemed to get out of treating me like a factory worker instead of a sister in Christ. I know my own heart pretty well by now. And I have peeked into the hearts of others. None of us is pure.

What makes the anger less consuming, and the forgiveness easier to reach, is knowing those who've hurt you as human beings. "God, forgive them, for they know not what they do" is probably the most apt phrase in the Christian lexicon. We don't recognize how we act out of our human-ness, our issues, our hurts and angers, how we are products of the hand life's dealt us. But when we KNOW the other person, know their life's struggles, we know it's healing they need and not judgement. The preacher who is cold and rigid; the woman who is suspicious and mistrustful; the pastor who lashes out after a lifetime of losses - in the best possible world, we can become instruments of peace. Another phrase I love, circulating around the 'net, is this one - "Remember that every one you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


Too many Christians fail the challenge to forgiveness, because we have come to believe that only the deserving should have grace. Isn't that a contradiction? Why would we need grace if we deserve it??? Yet grace and forgiveness are where the rubber meets the road in Christian faith.


We hold these things in tension - "I've been hurt" and "I understand". We may not accept or approve. We may need to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean the pain instantly disappears. But it no longer becomes our reason for living. It doesn't swamp us.


In a generic way, it's hard to remember this (just as agape love, love devoid of self-interest, is pretty much a concept, instead of a reality, for most of us). But in a COMMUNAL way, it's much easier. When you know your victim or your enemy, when you know the battles they fight and their personal demons, you know that much of what happens between the two of you comes out of a world of hurt. No one is immune from this - very few people live perfect, untouched lives. We all, always, stand in need of grace and forgiveness.